


Encore

by rainpuddles



Category: Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu | The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
Genre: Community: springkink, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-04
Updated: 2010-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-07 17:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainpuddles/pseuds/rainpuddles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Haruhi wants, Haruhi gets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Encore

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/springkink/profile)[**springkink**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/springkink/) for the prompt _['The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi, Haruhi/Kyon: situational engineering - "I was beginning to get suspicious about the number of times my shirt was getting wet or damaged around Haruhi."'](http://community.livejournal.com/springkink/990656.html)_

I remember it clearly. It all started the day after we came back from that weekend camping trip Haruhi had, once again, forced us into. "Haven't you been reading the news?" she had said, when I first complained about the impromptu-ness of it all. "Animal corpses, campers who were attacked in the middle of the night, property damage!"

Asahina-san cringed in fear at each one of those mentions, but Haruhi didn't even look at her. "Probably a bear," I replied, seeing how no one else in the room was planning to stand up to her.

"Don't be stupid, Kyon! Isn't it obvious? This is Hibagon we're dealing with."

Hibagon? Was she talking about that giant ape-monster thing that stinks of rotten flesh and is said to roam Japanese forests and mountains?

Asahina-san let out another helpless yelp, nearly dropping the tray with tea she was carrying.

I gestured to Koizumi so he'd let me take a look at the paper he was reading. Indeed, there were mentions of all the things Haruhi had enumerated, complete with pictures (probably Photoshopped) and testimonials from the victim (most likely fake). "There's no mention of Hibagon here," I pointed out.

Haruhi looked at me as if I was the single most stupid person in the world, which is something I have unfortunately grown used to. "_Of course_, they're not going to say it's him!That'd draw people's attention. But I bet there's a ton of scientists heading up there as we speak, so we need to be faster than them."

I bit my tongue in order not to remark that the paper where Haruhi had gotten all this information from was one of those highly dubious publications that recycle the same absurd news every other week, with slight changes. Alien abduction, ghost sightings, demonic possession, and Elvis all took turns to parade on the front page.

"So Suzumiya-san wants to go investigate this place?" Koizumi smiled at her, as always. "I can make arrangements for us to leave tomorrow morning."

"That'd be perfect, Koizumi-kun." Haruhi snatched the paper back from my hands and headed for the door. "I'll see you all tomorrow in the usual place at 8 in the morning, don't be late!" And with that she left the room.

Nagato closed her book calmly, as Koizumi and Asahina-san began gathering their respective belongings. Me? I was too busy wrapping my mind around the fact that I'd have to spend the weekend in the wild hunting for Bigfoot's long lost cousin.  


*****

  
What Haruhi wants, Haruhi gets. And of course, the five of us met her the morning after in order to buy supplies and the "necessary equipment" for our trip. After that, we headed to the mountain.

The search for the mysterious creature involved but was not limited to: interviewing— no, I mean _interrogating_ every single person that crossed our path, trailing the woods in search of footprints, setting up traps in strategic places, and sleeping very little at night, since she wanted one of us to keep guard at all times in case Hibagon decided to show up in the middle of her slumber.

I suppose I should also note that the humanoid monster in question actually paid us a visit during Nagato's and my guard. What I learned that night, aside from the fact that Hibagon is huge and rather similar to the way the legends describe him is that, one: He doesn't smell like decaying flesh, but more like jasmine and... lavender, with a touch of peppermint. And two: The so-called missing link is hardly a link, since he turned out to be from an alien race Nagato could easily identify.

He left peacefully after a brief incomprehensible exchange with her and absolutely no pictures or video. I'd rather not dwell on any of this or how I could have become famous all over Japan if I'd decided to use my phone and take just one quick snapshot, but I am a simple, modest man. Besides, no one would have believed me.

Needless to say, Haruhi slept through the whole thing.

Sadly, this also meant we were to continue the search the day after. On the upside, Nagato took measures and warned Hibagon about our determined leader, so our exploration, even if thorough, proved to be fruitless. And wouldn't it be nice if fruitless was a synonym of uneventful? But that wasn't the case, at that moment in time (or now), which is honestly a shame because that would have meant no cooking disasters, or getting lost in the forest, or _slipping into the ice cold river_. It was a miracle I didn't catch a cold after that.

And so, we returned empty-handed from our journey... except perhaps for a very grumpy Haruhi who was not only disappointed that she hadn't been able to find the Mythical Hibagon, but also covered in mosquito bites. Koizumi's smile looked slightly crooked when we said goodbye and headed for our respective homes.  


*****

  
Now, with the prologue out of the way (don't give me that look, it wasn't really that long), it's time for me to tell the real tragedy behind all this, which, as I mentioned before, began the day after we came back from our trip.

It happened during PE. We were in the locker rooms, but for some reason I couldn't find my sports uniform— or to be more precise, my shirt.

While I have to admit I can be a messy person, misplacing clothes isn't precisely one of my favorite past times. Particularly when it comes to school uniforms. I looked literally _everywhere_ my bag, my locker, _other people's bags_, in the gym, back in the classroom... and _zilch, nada._ It was as if it had disintegrated while I wasn't looking.

Predictably enough, I got lectured by our instructor, and was loudly informed that I would have to run fifty extra laps during our next class to make up for my absence.

Haruhi mocked me from afar.  


*****

  
The second instance didn't take place until a few days later, which is why I didn't see the connection between both events, at the time. I was heading inside the school's cafeteria, minding my own business, when suddenly _WHAM!_ A girl walked right into me, spilling all of her orange juice _and her friend's_ on me. She apologized profusely and even offered to buy me lunch as repayment, but that didn't change the fact that my shirt looked as if it had been soaked in LCL from the Third Impact and I wasn't carrying any spares with me.

"Oh my god, Kyon, go change or something," she demanded, in the middle of the class right after the break. "You _stink_."

You don't say, Haruhi. "I can't, I have nothing else to wear."

"So?" she replied, easily.

"_S-So?_ Are you even aware of what you're saying?!"

She didn't have an opportunity to respond, however, as our teacher quickly caught on what was going in the back of the classroom and started firing all sorts of questions in my direction.  


*****

  
Two days after that, a stray cat somehow made its way into the Brigade's clubroom. It wouldn't have been so much of a problem if the feline hadn't insisted on scampering about and destroying everything its paws touched.Asahina-san was whimpering on the floor as she tried to pick up all of her costumes, Nagato's frantic typing could be heard from Haruhi's desk, since the cat in question had walked all over the keyboard and accidentally released top secret SOS Brigade information. Meanwhile, Koizumi was trying his best to save every single breakable object in the room from certain doom.

As for Haruhi?

"Kyon! Get that thing out of here right now!"

"That's what I'm trying to do," I grumbled, reaching up with my hands towards the closet the cat was perched on. It hissed and arched its back at me, clearly not wanting to be touched. And really, who could blame the poor thing? If I'd been in its place, I too, would have assumed the loud human girl had terrible things in store for me.

"Listen, this is for both of our sakes, Cat. Please please get down from there and stop making things harder than they already are."

And almost as if it had understood me, the animal jumped right at my face with its claws bare. I could hear Asahina-san cry my name amongst my own panicked shrieking. The cat simply slid down from my face to my chest to my—_dear God, don't make me remember that_—to my legs and darted out through the door.

I would have been more concerned about the state of my school uniform if it hadn't been for the burning trails of pain the cat had left on my face. (At least being treated by Asahina-san afterwards made the whole experience just a little worth it.)  


*****

  
After all those curious incidents, the pattern started becoming outright obvious. Whether it was due to the rain, a water balloon dropping on me out of nowhere, me winding up stuck in wire fences, or getting ran over by a terrifying stampede of American football players, my shirt would always end up damaged beyond recognition at the end of the day. People at school suggested investing on an armor, and I was seriously starting to contemplate it as a real option, because this was getting beyond ridiculous.

"Kyon-kun, I wouldn't mind lending you one of mine, if you've ran out of spares," Koizumi volunteered.

I hesitated for a second before replying, "No, thanks."

"Oh, but there's no need to be so shy. We are fellow Brigade members, after all!" And without letting me protest, he draped an arm around me and dragged me into the changing rooms.

"Don't take long, we have stuff to do!" Haruhi yelled from afar.

Once we were by ourselves, Koizumi dropped his eternal smile and looked at me seriously. "There's something we need to talk about."

"Huh?" I said,still debating whether changing in front of him was a good idea or not.

Koizumi leaned on a nearby wall and resumed talking. "You know I normally don't ask for your help in matters like this, but things have been getting slightly out of hand, lately."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you really not noticed?" He closed his eyes for a brief second, his expression returning to the usual one.

I felt a shiver run down my spine and finished changing as quickly as I could. "If I had, I wouldn't be asking."

Koizumi chuckled. "The cause behind all of your outfit-related incidents is none other than Suzumiya-san."

"... What?" Was he really serious about this?

He nodded. "The Agency hasn't had much time to verify all of the data, since we've been busy dealing with the sudden overflow of Closed Spaces, but I'm fairly certain this is all because of our camping trip."

I could do nothing but stare at him, completely dumbfounded.

"Remember how we fell into the river and you had to change in front of Suzumiya-san because your clothes were completely soaked?"

"S-She wasn't looking!" And I was pretty sure of this, since Koizumi and I have made a point of finding a secluded spot away from the girls so they could change as well.

"Perhaps that wasn't the case."  


*****

  
This is how, thanks to Koizumi, I came to learn that all of my shirt-related "accidents" could be attributed to Haruhi's hormones and her constant (subconscious or not) fantasizing about my naked chest and the pressing need to see it again.

Except he said it with nicer words.

As painfully embarrassing as this was, I couldn't really think of any other explanation that would make sense. Not that _this_ made sense in the least! But when you're in the same school club as an alien, a time-traveler, and an esper , your personal scales regarding things that make sense and things that are just absolutely impossible are bound to shift considerably.

And so we met up with Nagato and Asahina-san after school, in order to come up with a plan and be able to stop this phenomenon. Both for the sake of my wardrobe and for Koizumi's overworked colleagues.

At exactly 4:17pm there was no one in the SOS Brigade clubroom except for me and my fingerpaint stained shirt. According to Nagato's calculations, and assuming Koizumi and Asahina-san had helped generate the adequate distractions, Haruhi would slam that door open any moment...

"Heeey! How's everyo—huh? _Where_'s everyone?"

"Uh..." I scratched my head awkwardly, looking away. "Asahina-san was asked to help with some classroom activities, Nagato went to the bathroom, and Koizumi said he'd arrive a little later than usual."

"What?" Haruhi frowned, heading to her desk. "I'll give them 10 minutes or they'll have to face the consequences." She folded her arms over her chest and finally stopped to _look_ at me. "It happened again? Pffthahah, it must really suck to be you, Kyon."

I sighed and shook my head. "A group of pre-schoolers were having some sort of scavenger hunt, I don't even know." And with that, I took a deep breath and started undoing my shirt as Haruhi started typing on the computer. Seemingly unaware of what was going beyond the screen.

Just what I needed! On top of it all, I was even going to have to call attention to myself. But it was a "do or die" situation and I had little time left, so I braced myself with courage and spoke. "Uh...Haruhi?"

"Yeah?" She was still not looking at me.

"You don't mind if I change here, do you?" This wasn't supposed to be as embarrassing! _I_ wasn't the one constantly wishing for someone's shirt to get ripped apart! And yet I could feel my face glowing bright red. "The changing rooms are kind of full right now and they were cleaning the bathrooms when I—"

"What? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can't you see I'm busy here?"

For a brief second I was terrified I'd need to go stand in front of her and shove my bare chest at her, but it looked like she had finally comprehended the meaning behind my words. Her eyes left the screen and focused on me.

I had never felt more naked in my entire life.

I pretended not to notice and reached for my school bag (while still shirtless) to procure what was, in fact, my last intact shirt. She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was looking at me the entire time, because the typing had also stopped.

Buttoning it proved to be a nightmare, since my hands were sweaty and the small plastic tablets kept slipping from my fingers. Then I realized I had done it wrong because there was an extra button hanging by itself at the bottom.

I cursed under my breath and proceeded to undo _and_ button it all over again. Trying my best not to think about how this whole scenario could have been part of a terrible dating simulator game for girls, or why it was making my heartbeat rush like that.

"I-I'm sorry, e-everything has been t-taken care of—_U-UWAH!_"

Asahina-san, who had just come in through the door automatically covered her face with her hands at the sight of my half undone shirt. "I-I'm! I'm sorry, I can come back later if—"

"What the hell, Mikuru-chan, it's _just Kyon_," Haruhi said from across the room. "It's not like you've never seen him shirtless before, right?"

Asahina-san nodded, her face still buried in her hands. "Y-Yes, um. Yes."

"Good," Haruhi raised from her chair and beelined to Asahina-san. "I have a new costume I'd like for you to try on, so we can't afford losing more time. You hear that, Kyon? GET DRESSED ALREADY."

Nagato and Koizumi entered the room as she finished saying that, and soon all of the club activities were back to normal. ... Or almost back to normal, since she made a point of avoiding eye or any sort of contact with me for the rest of the evening.  


*****

  
Koizumi called that night to thank me, and inform me that everything was back to normal. "You are a very valuable asset to us, Kyon-kun," he said. "It's a shame we can't give you some sort of recognition for being humanity's savior over and over again."

"Right, whatever." I rolled my eyes and hung up. For some reason, my dreams that night involved the clubroom after school, and Haruhi asking if I'd like to see her new bra.


End file.
